To Keep and Bear Death Stars

I read recently about how the current administration has no plans to build a Death Star.

 

 

This is of course ridiculous.

 

 

The Death Star is EXACTLY the kind of project we need to be working on in this country. It's big; it will employ lots of people, from engineers to programmers, to construction works, to insurance adjusters, to maintenance droids. You know, the unemployement rate among maintenance droids remains significantly above the average national unemployment rate. This would be a major job creator.

 

 

And as far as investing in our military and creating a lasting peace, there can be no better deterrent to outside attack that a Death Star! Sure, it may be vulnerable to a rag-tag bunch of rebels, but just don't deploy it in an area where you are facing said rebels.

 

 

Well, if the government is "not interested in blowing up planets," I will clearly have to do this myself. It shouldn't be too hard. Maybe I can't build a full-scale moon-sized version, but a more modest version should be easy enough to construct. After all, the technology already exists. Most of the R&D stuff is out of the way. I just need to strap those lasers on my car, and boom!  Instant Instellar Assault Prius.

 

Artist's Conception

Now, you're probably thinking that the ability to destroy entire planets is a) nothing compared to the awesome power of the Force, and b) probably illegal.

 

 

I'll grant you the first part, but as for the second, I dare you to confiscate my Death Star!

 

 

According to the Second Amendment to the Constitution, the founding document of this great nation, I have an unlimited right to "keep and bear arms." It does not ever qualify the words "arms," so I believe I am free to interpret it any way I want. And I want a Death Star!

 

 

I can already hear you bleeding heart liberals, trying to take away my Freedom. (That's what I'm going to name my instellar assault Prius: Freedom!)

 

 

Oh sure, you can point out that the Second Amendment actually references the need to maintain a well-regulated militia for the national defense, that it was written at a time when we had no standing army, and relied on local militias, members of which needed to provide their own firearms, and when no nation had successfully transitioned from a monarchy to a free Republic so the threat of someone attempting to seize power from the fledgling government was real and immediate.

 

 

You could point out that those circumstances no longer exist today, that we have a professional standing army, that our government provides weapons for that army (and for most of the other armies in the world, too, for that matter), and that our democracy has stood up to challenge after challenge and remains one of the strongest and most robust national governments in the world.

 

 

I suppose you could even point out that when the second amendment was written, the most devastating weapon at their disposal was a cannon, and most armies fought with single-shot muskets that required considerable time to reload, and were accurate only at point-blank range, assuming they didn't just explode in your hands. That the idea of Death Stars capable to shooting lasers as hot as the Sun never even crossed the minds of our Founding Fathers, nor tanks, nor fighter planes, nor rocket launchers, nor fully automatic rifles, nor semi-automatic rifles, nor high capacity ammunition magazines, nor automatic pistols, nor really any of the monstrous agents of death you tree huggers are always complaining about.

 

 

And, honestly, you'd have a point.

 

 

But, too bad!

 

What, are we to look at the Second Amendment as an antique, a relic from a by-gone time that is no longer relevant to the situation that we as a society find ourselves in? Should we seek a new Constitutional Amendment, to help strengthen the freedoms we want strengthened, while also creating a safer world for our children.  Should we be concentrating on the enormous amount of common ground between our views, more clearly defining the terms of the social contract on which this country was founded, rather than just falling back into our stereotypical roles, ensuring that nothing will be resolved?

That's just what Stalin would have wanted! That's just what a Fascist would say!

 

 

I want my Death Star, and you, with your common sense, your rational approach to difficult problems, your understanding of the actual original intend of our Founders, your insistence on living in the 21st century instead of the 18th, you can't stop me. 

 

Because in MY world, the Constitution gives me unlimited power to have any weapon I want, because having the capacity to kill anyone at any time is what's known around here as the American Way!  And you can take my lightsaber when you pry it from my cold, robotic hand! 

 

(This blog paid for by the National Death Star Association.)