5 New Years Resolution (I have no intention of keeping)

I gave up on resolutions a long time ago, and yet every year I think maybe this is the year, the chance to make some kind of meaningful change based on my spur of the moment, half-inebriated decisions!  Because nothing can go wrong there!

That's the weight of my shame...

So here we go, five New Years Resolution that I will completely fail to keep.

1  Work Less:

Yeah, who doesn’t resolve to work less?

But the fact is, I am very lucky in the way I have been able to afford to balance my work and my family.  I have, quite be accident, ended up in a career that prizes working odd hours, and I am in a role that lets me set my own schedule, within certain limits.  Those limits are known as holidays and weekends, or, as we in the retail/customer service world call them, “work days.”

But those are also the days I want to spend with my wife and daughter, so I’d like to resolve to work fewer holidays and weekends (and holiday weekends, for that matter).

Of course, that’s never gonna happen.  At least, not without a major career change.  I do, after all, have a mortgage to pay. 

And speaking of career changes and things that won’t happen this year, I also resolve to:

2  Open a Distillery:

Reed Distillery, Makers of Fine Rums and Whiskeys, Founded 2013.

Nice ring to it, don’t you think?

I’ll bet you thought I was going to say brewery?  You know, since I’m a homebrew dad, love beer, and all that?

And you’d be wrong.

I mean, you’d be right, if someone came up to me and said, “Hey Dave, wanna help me start a brewery?” and I knew for an absolute fact this hypothetical person wasn’t insane, I’d jump at the chance.

But give me the choice of just one job I’d like to do for the rest of my life, and making whiskey is at the top of that list.

And though I’m not a fan of most rums, rum distilling was perfected, if not invented, in New England in the 17^th and 18^th centuries, and I’m never one to turn my back on history.

High quality, small batch rum and whiskey…

It has the potential for being very profitable, and also the potential of crashing and burning faster than Susan Rice’s cabinet nomination (too soon?).

And as I mentioned, I have a mortgage to pay.

Maybe next year.

In the meantime, I’ll amuse myself by resolving to

3  Blog More Often:

Ha!

I’m writing about New Years Resolutions more than a week after New Years.

Yeah, well, let’s be honest.  You're off your diet, too.

And speaking of achieving the impossible, I resolve to

4  Be More Patient:

Confession time.  Being a parent isn’t always easy.

Ok, it isn’t ever easy.

In fact, it’s daunting, scary, and just plain hard.

I write in this blog about the best moments of parenting:  the hugs, the moments of toddler brilliance, the cute stuff.  I usually leave out the baffling, frustrating, irrational, white-hair inducing moments.  Not out of any kind of censorship, or because I’m trying to shield you from my true evil nature, I just don’t think you want to hear about that stuff.

But I admit, sometimes I lose my temper.

When I do get mad, I usually manage (eventually) to take a few deep breaths, and realize that this isn’t much to get mad about.  There are usually other ways of dealing with the situation, and if I just stay calm, everything will be fine.  And even if everything isn’t fine, as long as no one gets hurt, no harm done.

So I fully intend that this year will be the year of the calmer, more collected, quieter—

ELLA!  GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!  YOU HEARD ME, GET DOWN!  HOW DID YOU EVEN GET UP THERE?  DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!  PUT DOWN THAT POODLE!  THAT’S IT, YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE IN TROUBLE!!

Um…let’s just skip to the next one.

5  Save the Planet:

I almost didn’t put this one on the list, because I really intend to do it.  The only problem is, I’m going to fail.

I’m not Superman.  I mean, I do have super powers, if driving my wife crazy can be considered a super power, but even Superman couldn’t fix global warming all on his own.  He’d at least need Aquaman’s help.

But I’m doing what I can.  Getting solar panels, driving a Prius, making our house so efficient that we get an Energy Star logo painted on the side.  But by myself, that means almost nothing.

I just came home from a Town Meeting where all the other residents of my town voted to keep solar farms out of residential neighborhoods, because they’re concerned that their property values will go down.  Ok, so you don’t want to cut down trees to put in solar panels.   I get that.  Trees are pretty.  But hey, you know where the trees have already been cut down?  Right where your house is!  How about we clear out a couple of housing developments and build a solar farm there! 

Fortunately, their property values are safe, at least until global warming turns this whole state into a Mad Max-like hellscape, which I can only hope will be ruled over by badass motorcycle gangs with huge mohawks, because at least those are guys you can reason with. 

We got into this mess by acting as a single force of nature on this planet, and we all need to get together and act as a single force of nature to help this planet.  We build more and more houses, which use more electricity, which comes from coal-burning power plants, and everyone’s cool with that.  But harnessing the sun to offset the mercury- and CO2-spewing power plants?  Well, now, hang on.  Maybe we should think about this for a year or two before we do anything about it.

Except a year is too long.  Even this year is too late.  We needed to do something a decade ago.  And we didn’t.  You need to help me save the planet.  This year.  Now.

Why?  Because all your stuff is here.

I want to see a world of more efficient cars, electric cars, solar panels on every roof, windmills in every yard, compact fluorescent bulbs in ever socket.  We could generate all the electricity we need without burning a single lump of coal.  We can totally do this.  Turn off the TV, have dinner my candelight once in a while, buy less crap we don't need, throw out less crap that could still be useful, even to someone else.  All we lack is the inability to see beyond our own front yard. 

The world is a big and beautiful place, and you’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Wow, I’m really getting kind of wound up here.   Maybe I should have just resolved to lose some weight.

Finally, I did make one resolution for the year, or at least one wish for the new year, which I intend to keep and I hope all of you reading this will keep it as well, which is this:

I resolve to be here, happy and healthy, at the end of the year, and I hope that all of you will be here with me.

Happy 2013!

P.S. Build a snowman.