Farewell, My Siren

My friends, we need to have a conversation about coffee.

Coffee shops continue to be the places where our society tends to gather, to set aside time to meet, and talk, occasionally even do business, serving much the same function that taverns served in years gone by. And as such, they deliver a kind of social experiment, or a kind of metric (albeit total arbitrary) to allow us to view our society as a whole.

Which is why calling the police on two African-American men sitting in a Starbucks turned into much more than the end of a career for a store manager. Because nothing that happens with Starbucks turns out to be only about Starbucks.

No matter when you might read this, whether just after I wrote it, a year from now, five years from now, or in the middle of the desolate post-apocalyptic nuclear desert that used to be America, I guarantee two things:

1.     There’s a Starbucks near you.
2.  There’s someone boycotting Starbucks.

Starbucks is the every-target, the easy punchline to jokes about liberal snowflakes, corporate monstrosities, tree-hugging hippies, and American white privilege. Whether you're a conservative talking about liberals and their social agenda, or a liberal talking about environmental damage and corporate greed, Starbucks makes a great villain. Partially, it makes an easy target, because the company is usually swift to not fight back, to not defend itself in the face of ridiculous criticism, like that the quarter inch of space left in the top of the cup is actually cheating the customer, instead of being a reasonable amount of room to leave to prevent severe hand injury.

In part because Starbucks is so ubiquitous, with all the jokes and parodies that implies, it is also a convenient mirror to reflect on ourselves, an easy frame to tell our stories. So, if you want to tell a story about people struggling to survive on minimum wage, go to Starbucks! Want to talk about poor nutrition and its contribution to obesity?  Starbucks! Religious freedom? Grab a cappuccino and tell me how oppressed you are!

And through it all, your local barista tops your caramel macchiato with a skillful cross-hatch-double-swirl pattern like it’s no big deal.  Starbucks is the company you either love to hate or hate to love, or both.  And for approximately 7 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days, it was also my chosen place of employment.

If you ever stop in, tell them all I say hi.
Then, ask them if they've found the secret treasure I buried in the basement.

Up to now, I’ve been completely silent on the topic of Starbucks, not wanting to incur the wrath of the Siren.  But now, I’m free of any restraints on what I can say.  Which means I am free to say a few things. 

But not about the company, or the people who work there.  I still have enormous respect for a company that manages to be as progressive as it is in light of its need to produce profits in a very competitive marketplace, or about the baristas who work there, or really any coffeehouse, who must regularly endure some of the worst that humanity can toss at them. In contrast to recent news items, my experience has been of a company and a culture of being open and welcoming, in which all are treated with respected and dignity, and when something is truly wrong, I’ve seen the people there act swiftly to address it.

Yet Starbucks is also a microcosm of how our society treats those who provide simple services to us.  It’s a measure of how we treat people who we (using a very broad definition of “we” and not meant as an attack on any individual) deem inferior to us in some way, shape or form, particularly on the socio-economic spectrum.  Service workers, earning minimum wage, doing jobs that “we” frequently believe require no specialized skill set. 

This is a lot harder than it looks.  And it looks pretty damn hard.

So instead, let me address all Starbucks customers, past, present, or future, and let you know what you should never, ever do when ordering your drink at Starbucks.  Because, regardless of who is protesting Starbucks this time, these are the real crimes:

1. Puppuccino

Ever heard of a Puppuccino?  It’s a cup of whipped cream that someone decided to order for their dog.  Then, they posted it on the internet, which loved it (because, you know, “dog” + “internet” = “my day is wasted”).  So now, people will walk into a Starbucks, any Starbucks, and ask for a Puppuccino, and actually expect the barista to give them a cup of whipped cream.  If you want a cup of whipped cream, you should have to ask for a cup of whipped cream.  We know you don’t have a dog.

2. French Vanilla

This is a big one here in New England, home of Dunkin Donuts, and the subject of much controversy even in my own store.  There’s no such thing as French Vanilla at Starbucks.  This is important and bears repeating, in all caps:  There is NO SUCH THING AS FRENCH VANILLA AT STARBUCKS. 

It’s called “vanilla.”  It’s a flavor, derived from a variety of orchid.

In order to make it “French” you need to add another flavor, in this case usually hazelnut.  Now, they can make a coffee with vanilla and hazelnut.  Or they can make a vanilla coffee, which is what you probably thought you were ordering in the first place.  Or they can make you stand there and ask you which of these varieties you’d like (so with hazelnut, or with toffeenut, or with caramel?) until you get tired of the third degree and just order a butterbeer Frappuccino instead.

And speaking of butterbeer fraps…

   
3.  Ordering anything on the Secret Menu

I really, really hate this.  

Want to know why?  It’s not because these drinks are a pain in the ass (though they certainly are).  Baristas are paid to make drinks that are all a pain the ass.  No biggie.  Is it because they are all gross, containing two-three times as much sugar as the already overly sweet frappuccinos?  Nah, that’s on you.  You want something that full of sugar, that’s between you and your waistline.  No, the problem is that no one actually orders these drinks right.

Do not walk into a Starbucks and order a “Butterbeer Frappuccino,” and expect any response other than, “A what?”

Even the stupid Secret Menu web sites will let you in on the fact that these are not standard drinks, and they tell you how to order them.  But that never seemed to stop anyone from walking up to the counter and demanding a butterbeer Frappuccino, and getting a serious attitude when I didn’t know how to make a drink that I’s never been taught how to make and that follows none of the standard conventions of Starbucks drinks!

(And no, I'm NOT putting a link to that secret drink recipe. Because dammit, do not order a butterbeer frappuccino!  Ever!)

Please, Starbucks offers thousands of drinks, most of which are full of sugar, and none of which involve copyright infringement.  Just pick one and move on.  Make the butterbeer on your own time.

4.  “Triple Espresso Over Ice in a Venti Cup”

If this one sounds weird to you, good.  You're not one of the people this is aimed at.  You should feel better about yourself.  

It works like this:  You order three shots of espresso, over ice, in a large size cup.  You then proceed over to the condiment bar and fill the cup with milk from the milk pitchers.  You now have a iced latte for a fraction of the cost.  I could have used several examples for this behavior.

“Doppio espresso macchiato in a tall cup with foam up to the top.”  (This is a dry cappuccino.)

“Venti hot coffee, and put like two inches of steamed milk on top.”  (We call that a misto.)

Look, I know, Starbucks isn’t cheap.  What do you expect?  It’s a Starbucks.  The brand is not exactly synonymous with saving money.  Over the past few years, my favorite buzzwords there were “super premium,” because describing our products as “premium” wasn’t good enough to justify the prices we charged.

You want a cheap cup of coffee, go somewhere else.  You want Starbucks?  Pay the price and be happy about it.

5.  Coffee in the trashcan

Hot liquid.  Plastic trash bag.  Is this something you would do at home?  Don’t do it here, either.  Plus, you’re pouring out perfectly good caffeination!  Ask for a small cup to pour some out into, add some milk to both, and double-fist that coffee with pride!

 6. Don’t say hi

Actual conversation I’ve had nearly every day for the past seven years:

Me: “Good morning!  How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Tall coffee.”

*shoves Starbucks Gold Card at me*)

Me (in my head): “I’m doing great!  Thanks for asking!”

Why didn’t I make my snarky comment out loud?  Because while it seems socially acceptable to be rude to your average barista, people flip out if the barista returns it in kind.

7.  Making us take sides with whatever protest/boycott is happening this week

I’m so sorry that you are offended by our red cups. Yes, of course, your religion and personal belief system are clearly under attack. By me. Because I’m the godless heathen that designed the cups, in an effort to destroy your celebration of the birth of someone who pretty clearly wasn’t born when you think he was born. You’re right, this is all my fault.

Someone is (without exaggeration) ALWAYS mad about something that Starbucks is doing. All of which usually has little or nothing with what is going on in the life of your average barista, who just wants to sell coffee, get some decent tips, and drink enough espresso to make it through the day.

And bringing up the boycott du jour as a way of saying how much you disagree with it isn’t any better. You’re not really showing solidarity with the barista, because the barista truly doesn’t care. You're just making awkward, usually overly-friendly conversation. It’s uncomfortable. Just buy your coffee, tip well, and say thank you.

In truth, the only reason more baristas don’t completely lose it is because they know that the only people who regularly hang out in Starbucks and make awkward, slightly rude conversation are college students using the free wi-fi, blind dates who got stood up, and serial killers. And baristas don’t want to end up in the truck of anyone’s car.

The average barista, at any decent coffee shop or café, deals with enough crap every day.  So be kind to your barista, don't be rude, and maybe make them brownies once in a while.  I'll bet they'd like brownies.