Death to the Spice Packet!

It’s time to say goodbye to spice packets.

I was thinking about this the other night as I was making dinner, and was making a batch of rice from a box.  It came with a small packet labeled, “Spice.”  No further explanations were given.  I thought, “What is this stuff?”  And later, “Why does it taste so good?”

Packet #1138, developed in secret at Area 51.
Contents: Classified.

Which brings up an interesting point.  I tend to shy away from overly-processed foods.  I like cooking, with real ingredients, but processed food tastes so good.  If I was forced to live off one food for the rest of my life, it would probably be sushi, but Kraft Mac & Cheese is running a close second.  That stuff is awesome!  But these foods are carefully engineered to taste good, with little or no regard to nutritional value, or actual ingredients.

But not all “processed food” is necessarily bad.  After all, one of the very first processed foods is beer.  Don’t believe me?  Take grains, keep them moist until they germinate, dry and crush, then boil until the enzymes convert the starch into sugars, which the yeast turn into alcohol.  Sounds like a process to me.  Processing of foods is important and necessary.  What’s the difference between this and what I’m calling “processed foods?”  The conversion of grains into beer makes the grains easier to consume and actually adds nutritional value from the yeast and hops.  Modern processed foods make the food easier to prepare and consume, but sacrifice nutritional value and create a psychological separation between the original food and the boxed food with its spice packets.

Less than 2% of...what?!

What’s in beer?  Malted grains, hops, yeast, water.  What’s in Suddenly Salad?  Beats the hell out of me.

Just because the picture on the box looks like food, doesn’t mean it is food.  If it was food, it would use spices, not an anonymous, unlabeled spice packet.  And it would not include "Natural and Artificial Flavor" as an ingredient.  Ain't nothing natural about that.

Still, the spice packet mocks me.  It knows that as long as it remains unlabeled, I’ll never know exactly what’s inside.  And it knows that if I knew what was inside, I wouldn’t need it anymore.  We’re locked in a kind of spice cold war.  But fortunately, my spicy CIA has a few spice spies behind enemy spice lines, and I have a pretty good idea of what I’ll find in that spice packet.

-          Monosodium Glutamate

-          Artificial colors (Yellow Dye #5)

-          Chemically engineered flavors, because the real spices don’t taste “spice-y” enough.

-          And maybe some actual spice.

Is there anything wrong with this?  Isn't it the job of science to make things better for us, or give us some advantage that nature cannot?  Okay, I'm not here to argue with science, but what advantage does the spice packet give us?

In gives us more chemicals in our diet, on the one hand, and on the other, what?  Time, you say?  Certainly, time is valuable, especially to us parents.  Do spice packets make cooking faster and easier?  Well, let’s see.

First, I’ll use the spice packet.  I got my water boiling, add my rice, and now the spice packet.  I try opening one corner, but these things are built to last.  I try another corner, no luck there.  I start rummaging through kitchen drawers looking for a pair of scissors, and finally, failing in that, grab a butcher knife and chop the damn thing in half.  Spices go in.  Elapsed time: about 2 minutes.

Now, without the spice packet.  I boil the water, or, depending on the recipe, some chicken broth (hey, liquid is liquid, boiling in boiling, no time difference so far), and add the rice.  Then, I add some garlic powder, parsley, paprika, cumin, salt and pepper, maybe some cayenne if I’m in a spicy mood.  Elapsed time: about 2 minutes.

Spices.  That thing in the background is called a spice rack.
You probably have one.  Why not go introduce yourself?

What do you get out of spice packets that you don’t get out of spice jars?  MSG.  (Unless, of course, you go to a decent spice store and buy a jar of MSG, in which case, you’re golden!)  Yellow #5 (actually a synthetic chemical called tartrazine).  Something called disodium inosinate (no idea).

What do you get out of spice jar that you don’t get out of a spice packet?  Lots.  You get to know what’s in your food, you get to know the difference in taste that specific spices make, and, most of all, you get a recipe.  So the next time someone says, “I love this rice!  What’s in it?” you have an answer that doesn’t involve the word, “packet.”

I’ve been pretty hard on the lowly spice packet, and that’s not entirely fair.  Most of what I’ve said here can be applied to other processed (“boxed”) foods as well.  Processed foods are a wonderful technological achievement and they have a place in our diet.  (As I said, I LOVE my Kraft Mac & Cheese.)  But I maintain that any average person, with average cooking ability, in an average kitchen, can recreate almost any processed food from scratch without much difficulty.  It might mean some investment in time, and you might mess up the first couple of times, but in the end, you will learn the trick of it and the result will be better than any boxed or jarred food you can buy anywhere.

Dad Lite, and the Homebrew Dad

Father's Day is fast approaching, which means it's time to say a few words to all the dads out there reading this blog.  (Sorry, moms, this one is for the guys.)

Ok, dads, grab a beer and have a seat.  We need to talk.

I never stand between a father and his beer

I want to talk about parenthood, about being a dad.  And about the inherent sexism our society applies to parenting.

No, not the kind of sexism that says a woman’s place is in the home and it’s up to the man to go to work and bring home the bacon (figuratively, of course; shopping is women’s work).  I like to think that our society has moved at least a comfortable distance away from that stereotype.  (And if you happen to agree with that stereotype, I’d like you to go stick your head in a 5 gallon fermenter until you come to your senses.)  Instead, I’d like to talk about the “dad” stereotype, one that tries to dictate what we dads can and cannot do when it comes to childrearing.

I’m reminded of my place as a father in our society nearly every day.  Mommy And Me classes.  Parenting magazines geared exclusively toward mothers.  TV sitcoms featuring clueless, uninvolved fathers dispensing bad advice, with hilarity to follow.  Or, even better, sitcoms now showing dads changing diapers and driving minivans, and suddenly questioning their masculinity and overcompensating, with hilarity to follow.

And how many story-times have I been to where the teacher/librarian/person reading the story says, “And now give your moms a big hug,” glances me way, and quickly adds, “and dads, too”?

Not to mention, just a couple weeks ago, I brought my daughter to pre-school after helping her complete a project to show off, and the teacher said to me, "And tell Mommy she did a great job, too!"  I tried to take that as a compliment, but somehow, I couldn't.

Is it fair for dads, in this day and age, to be relegated to some second-class parent designation behind mothers, grandmothers, or even pre-school teachers? 

Should we be seen as an inferior, uninvolved, unwilling partner in the parenting process?  With everyone thinking of us as “...and dads, too?”

Do dads deserve this?

In a word, Yes. 

Face it guys, we have no one to blame here but ourselves.

When I first became a father, this stuff really got to me.  I would rant and rave about how fathers are not inferior, that fathers are capable of looking after children, how they are involved in their children’s lives, and how society just hasn’t caught up with the reality of the New Dad, yet.

Then, something happened.  I start meeting other fathers.  And that’s when I realized all those stereotypes are pretty much dead on.

(I’m not talking about you guys.  You guys are awesome.  Seriously, you’re reading a blog about fatherhood and homebrewing.  That right there gives you at least two points above the average American male.  No, I’m talking about the guys you see in the playgrounds on weekends, pecking away on their iphones, ignoring their kids, who are usually doing something incredibly dangerous on the monkey bars.)

It’s not their fault, those other dads.  They were raised to think men worked and women stayed home, boys don’t cry, winning is all that matters.  They turned into dads with a false understanding of what fatherhood means, and they’ve internalized all of the social stereotypes surrounding dads.  And if they do make a move in that direction, suddenly the masculinity thing kicks in and they have to go drive sports cars and go to Hooters (good wings, or so I've been told).  So we have the Modern Dad, call him Dad Lite, keeping a safe distance from any kind of real parental responsibility. 

And here I am, the Homebrew Dad, here to change all that. 

But I can’t do it alone.

We, the Homebrew Dads, must show the rest of the Dad Lites that we are not inherently second-class parents.  And that we must accept responsibility for all parenting entails, be it feeding, diaper changing, bathing, dressing, or educating, and encourage our fellow fathers to do the same.

We need to remind the Dad Lites of the world that, as dads who like grilling, who eat bacon and barbeque like their on the endangered species list, and who make our own beer, that there is nothing more masculine than being a dad.

Of course, that’s the easy half.  We dads are finally acting like parents, but we also need to be treated like parents by wider society.  And that’s the hard part, the part that I’m hoping to enlist your help with.  I’m hoping that one will follow the other: as more dads become involved parents, it will become less an anomaly and more of an expectation. It’s starting to happen. 

I know you all are out there. 

I know you don’t think it’s weird to take your daughter to Princesses on Ice.  

I know you play dress-up, and sometimes you get to be the prince, and other times, you're the Evil Queen. 

But I have a feeling, based on my own experience, that we still in the minority, and society will need a gentle shove in the right direction.  Here’s what you can do:

1.       Be a parent.  And not a Dad Lite, I'm talking about a Homebrew Dad.  Put down the iphone and pick up “Goodnight Moon.”   Stop changing channels, and start changing diapers.  You get the idea.
2.       Hang out with moms, and get used to it.  You don't actually need to have a couple recipes to swap, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't help.  I can give you a killer beer bread recipe to start with. 

3.       Show affection in public.

4.       Whenever possible, correct common misconceptions about dads. No need to be mean or snarky or sarcastic about it, just politely let people know that you are proud to be a parent.  And remember, the common misconception isn’t actually a misconception, yet, so their snarky comment about how “Your daughter’s outfit is so cute.  Did you wife pick it out?” is socially acceptable.  Don’t start any fights over it.

5.       Have fun.  Play with your child(ren).  And let them lead.  It’s kind of like improve theater.  Sometimes when I play with my daughter, my character changes seven times in ten minutes.  Just go with it.  And smile.  This is the best part.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, jeez, this sounds like a lot of work.  Can’t I just do what society expects and sit on my butt watching sports and maybe play a little xbox?  Seriously, what’s in it for me?

Hey, man, that’s your call.  But a couple of nights ago, after I tucked her into bed and kissed her goodnight and was just about to turn off the light, my daughter shouted, “Wait!”  And she jumped out of bed, ran over to me, threw her arms around my legs (what can I say, she’s short), and said, “I love you, Daddy.”

And that’s reward enough for me.

“Daddy, can I sleep in your bed, tonight?”

Not a chance.